And A PS...

I honestly don't know if this is a 'yes, this is what is meant' or if its just me trying to find an explaination for a ridiculous event, which is what my injury was. No way it could have been predicted or prevented, and absolutely no reason that a strain/sprain/partially torn tendon should have morphed into a perm nerve condition, other than the simple fact that it can. Maybe I'm being too prideful in thinking that there's a greater good to be served by it...that it couldn't have happened 'just cause'...does that make sense to anyone? lol!

But on the upside, I've done some praying and thinking and more praying...and if nothing else, I'm going to start preparing as though this is going to happen, rather than a maybe. It can only benefit my family, the prep. Its going to be some challenge for me, putting myself out more socially, making the effort to build a 'support system' more than I have...and that's just the crap I really loathe. But, it will be good for all of us.

I'm also taking a long hard look at my flaws and faults when it comes to being a wife, mother, and hausfrau. I see where I need to improve, and that's for my family and myself.

I know its not just merely financial or housing that has Wolf leery. He's worried about ME. How much can I really handle? The fact that I've been struggling big time with depression since my diagnosis and all the crap that goes with that gives him genuine reasons to say 'no' for fear of my taking on more than I can hope to handle, let alone do well.

So...here's to self improvement, across the board. I need to prove things to me, and to him...that I'm worthy of such a gift as having another child.

Ok, quit gagging. I can be mushy ya know.

Wanting To Follow...

Ever feel drawn, compelled to do something, even though there's really no rational basis, or even a hope of it being possible or plausible?

Yeah, that's me right now.

For a long time now, I've felt the pull to foster/adopt. Problem is, Wolf does not. He feels we have our hands full with the kids we already have. Financial pressures, a lack of space...its really not doable. He's right. I know he is. But that doesn't quiet this feeling in my heart. Add in the fact that here, if you adopt a 'special needs child' (which can mean a child over 7, or a sibling group), you can receive what they call 'Supports for permenancy'...which is funding equal to full foster parent rates after adoption. So, you'd actually receive financial assistance to support the child(ren) after adopting. Which would nicely cancel out the financial concerns.

Course, we're still short a room.

*sigh*

I'm trying so hard to walk the path that I feel I'm being called to. One of my most valued friends is fond of telling me, "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." I'm also more than a little concerned that my diagnosis of CRPS might make me 'unfit' for adoption.

Last night, ran across a situation where a mother had her 6 yo confide that her grandfather had touched her inappropriately. 'Mom' (I use the term loosely) decided to wait until morning to have the child seen, despite people begging her to go NOW. I was intensely angry about it (still am) and got talking to Wolf. I told him this was a perfect example of WHY I feel called to this. We could make such a difference in a child's life. We could be a blessing to a child. I told him we're good parents, despite all our flaws, and what a difference that could make to a child who so badly needs a safe and loving place to be. He agreed that we would be and do that for a child...but still isn't ready/willing to say yes.

Pray that we find the way to do what we're supposed to.

Did Ya Miss Me?

Good heavens, its been a long time since I blogged! No, I wasn't arrested and in jail, and just released on bail. Although, come to think of it, that's not a bad analogy.

I've been dealing with depression. Big shock, right? Yeah, not so much. This diagnosis of CRPS/RSD knocked me back. Trying to acclimate to the loss of normal use of my arm, to chronic pain...its been a journey that is nowhere close to ending.

But...I'd like to just ignore that for a while, and leave it outside this blog. I'll be back soon to tell about bathroom terrorism, the American election, the Canadian election, the search for Faith, homeschooling developments, and all that stuff. And never forget the marriage stuff.

I will be back...just gathering some steam and energy...and deciding what comes first.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm not dead...and am working my way towards the light.

Brief Update

Went and saw the PT that WCB set up, and he agrees with my GP. He saw how badly swollen my hand was, even though the discolouration wasn't anywhere near as bad at that time. My reaction to his testing further confirmed it...for him, anyways. Its the stupidest bloody thing. I haven't mentioned it because I honestly thought I was losing it, and that someone would think I was making this up...

Give you an example. With his finger tips, he stroked the outside and inside of my arm. Initially, I didn't feel much at all...kinda like my skin was a bit numb. About 5 minutes later...WHAM. Suddenly my arm was on fire, like he'd rubbed me with sand paper. I've been having this happen, and just thought I was losing it...turns out its a part of the RSD. The nerves are extremely over reactive, but the signal doesn't travel as fast as it should...if that makes any sense at all. Course, the PT doesn't carry any weight when it comes to diagnosing, that's still up to the pain specialist...and no clue how long its gonna take to get into someone. That alone could take months. Yippee. But, it is someone that is working for WCB confirming the Dx, so its another brick in the wall.

I don't think that its really set in. I just can't think of the rest of my life like this...my mind just can't grasp it. I've witnessed what chronic pain can do to a person, to their personality, to their family...I don't want that for me or mine. It scares the hell out of me...the idea that the younger two won't remember me before I was injured...that to them their mom was never 'normal'...

I just don't know.