Saturday, November 22, 2008

Get Found, Kid

Friend of mine's blog inspired this...

She was talking about hiding from people, emotionally, and her struggle to get past it.

Reminded me of an essay in the book, "All I Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten" by Robert Fulghum, one of my all time favourite authors. In this particular essay, he talks about how grown ups play hide and seek like kids do, but we do it with our true selves, our emotions, our hearts.

And its true, isn't it.

I just had a chat with Wolf last night. Although, 'chat' might be a bit of a misnomer. I talked, I cried, he listened.

I've been playing Hide and Seek, you see. I've been hiding not only from my husband, but from myself. The only people I'm even remotely honest with are my Drs, because they have to know exactly where I'm at. Well, and a good friend of mine tends to see more than anyone else.

I've been trying to protect my husband. He gets so frustrated and upset with the fact that I'm hurting and he can't do squat about it. Its shaken the foundation of our marriage.

See, every marriage has its bargin. Spoken or not. Everyone has their roles to play, as it were. For us, my dh needed a wife/mother. I knew it, accepted it, and embraced it in many ways. I was the strong one, emotionally. His anchor. I smoothed the way as best I could, carrying the stress and burdens so that he didn't have to. He worked, I carried. And it worked for us.

I'm not complaining at all, don't get me wrong. Like I said, it worked.

Until now.

Until I'm unable to make this better. I can't protect him, and worry about him, when I'm drowning myself. Drowning in denial, refusing to think of the future, worrying about being able to tend to my responsibilities as a wife and mother. So now, we need to reshuffle our roles. I need him to lie to me once in a while, tell me everything will be fine, even knowing that he can't guarantee that.

Hiding is something we learn on our way to adulthood. Fear guides us. Those that know our vulnerabilities have power in our lives.

But sometimes...our vulnerabilities being hidden hurts beyond measure.

So to those hiding, I'm calling out.

Olly Olly Oxen Free!

Get found, Kid. Get found.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Ganglion Block, CRPS Spreading...

Ok, gonna keep this short. Forget sweet.

Ganglion block was successful, in that it did alleviate some of the pain in my right arm/hand.

It took away enough pain for me to feel the spread of CRPS in my left.

Specialist I saw today can't officially dx the spread, as it isn't turning colour yet, but the sensations are the same.


Monday, November 17, 2008

Tomorrow, 7am

Ganglion block is tomorrow at 7am. I don't want to go, I don't want to get a needle in the neck...I don't want to take this last bet yet.

And that's exactly what this is. This is the last chance for any sort of pain relief, recovery, the whole shebang.

All riding on tomorrow.

For someone that's had every potential possibility not do squat, who has negative results with anestetic, I'm more than a little freaked.

*sips a rye and coke*

Thankfully, a liberal application of...nummy drink goodness is calming me down. Yeah, 'calming', thats it. :oP

Hey, I figure if they kill me off tomorrow, at least I'll have had a good night before, right?

And yeah, its unlikely they'll kill me. Whole boatload of stuff that COULD go wrong, and dying is on the list, but thats a bit more unlikely than ending up with right sided paralysis.


I need more rye, and to quit trying to look at the positive side of life.