Aimless

I feel like a dandelion seed, tumbling wherever the wind sends me, without any hope of guidance or control over my path or destination.

Everything in my life hinges on decisions made for me, about me, by others who don't have the first foggiest clue as to who I am as a person, but just a case file. I feel like my humanity, my life is being reduced to pieces of paper, statistics, and what someone else thinks should be happening, working, whatever.

It looks like PT is rapidly coming to an end. No improvements = waste of time and resources. My fear is, how much WORSE is it going to get without PT? Is PT stopping it from getting completely out of control? Or is it simply a placebo? According to the research my PT gave me last night, there is absolutely no rhyme or reason for recovery...or non recovery. No time line. Either you recover, or you don't. Yay. I seem to be fitting in the 'don't' category.

So, I have an appt for a pain clinic on the 8th. Consultation. See what if anything they suggest, because my migraines are increasing in frequency and intensity...and that's got to be somehow related to this CRPS. Lack of sleep, stress of chronic pain, whatever.

Its all completely frustrating.

So, We Know What We Want...

So, Wolf and I were talking last night (we do that a fair bit...yammer away at each other, esp once the kids are in bed. And we even LISTEN when the other talks. We rock, lol!)

We've picked out a house. Eight bedrooms, ten bathrooms. 16 acres.

We've (ok, more ME) have fallen in love with a sibling group of 4 kids. One boy, 3 girls, ranging in age from 10 to 4.

Now...all we have to do is win the lotto to pay for all of this.

We're definately an odd pair. Most people dream of winning the lotto to go on exotic vacations, buy huge houses, designer clothes, elite vehicles. The only reason we want the house we do is to accomodate seven children, lmao!

Yup, we're odd...and obviously well matched.

Chaos

That pretty much sum up my life, in a single word. Chaos. If its not children howling at each other, its something else...but most often, children howling, lol!

Diva and Taz have discovered the 'joys' of sibling rivalry, teasing, and torment. I'm reasonably sure that the UN would probably arrest them for war crimes if they ever happened by, because they're just rotten with each other at times. Taz is into copying Diva, which makes her head spin and spit green soup. Diva, being older, simply teases the crap out of him.

I'm going to start some warfare of my own. Handholding. If they can't be nice to each other, they'll be tethered to one another. The downside of this is, it'll turn them into partners against 'evil'...namely me. I'm not sure I can survive both of them plotting against me.

And can I tell you...housework. Blech. Trying to just get the kids to pick up after themselves is a whole issue unto itself. Currently, Taz still hasn't picked up his cereal bowl and spoon from breakfast, and Momma has drawn the line...no lunch until its in the sink.

There are days like this when I think of my desire to foster/adopt and wonder what in the name of Heaven makes me think that I can do that, when I feel like I'm barely managing my own kids. Shouldn't I be a 'perfect' parent in order to try and parent another's child?

On another note...WCB called yesterday. Wanted to know if I'd sorted out my 'daycare' issues yet. Called back via customer service and stated that its not a daycare issue, its a homeschooling issue. Then called my lawyer. Should be interesting. My physio therapist has now backed off considerably on his, "Everything will be perfectly fine, purple unicorns fart sparkly rainbows, and you will be healed..." standpoint. He kept talking about 'possibilities' last night, and I finally said, "Its possible that Santa may show up for dinner too, but its not very probable. Can I get a REALISTIC idea of what I'm looking at here?" to which he mumbled something about doing more research for me, etc. So basically, he has no clue, and the reality of it seems to be that the most I can hope for in terms of 'recovery' is a reduction in pain, and an increase (somewhat) of range of motion. I don't like hearing it, but at least if that's the reality, I have to live with, I can start trying to accept it, as opposed to being completely frustrated at the complete lack of positive results after months of physio.

I wish WCB would just get around to writing me off like a damaged car. Jumping through hoops that have absolutely no benefit is rapidly getting old. If there was a way to go back to work, I'd jump at it...but I just don't see it. So, write me off already, and let me get on with adjusting to my life.

Course, nothings ever that easy.

Shopping, Date Night, Animals, Birthday, Social Workers...

Hows that for a title, lmao!

So, its been a heck of a time, the last 4 days or so. Friday, I went to an electronics store, I'd gotten a flyer that they had stuff on mega cheap, and our camera had died. On impulse, I applied for a credit card, fully expecting to be rejected...but I was approved! I'm now the proud owner of a Canon camera and a Canon dvd camcorder. Unfortunately, I had to come face to face with my disability and realize that the Canon Rebel that I want so bad I cannot physically manage at this point.

Then Saturday, I was sent out on Mission Impossible, aka clothes shopping. I actually managed to find some things that I loved and looked good in, including an outfit for tonight! A royal purple tunic sweater, black leggings, and I succumbed to temptation and got myself this wonderfully soft grey knitted shawl/poncho thingie to go over it, since I don't have a spring jacket (Additon Elle having a 40% off 2nd item is a dangerous thing for me. I actually feel GOOD shopping there, and their clothes make me both feel and look pretty!)...and realized quickly that I needed boots to go with. Running shoes or sandals just weren't going to cut it. So, 5 minutes before the stores close, I get a pair of black dress boots. Yay me!!!

So, get home, shower, get ready. Alls well...until I go to put on the 2nd boot. I came home with two LEFT boots! Could only happen to me, lmfao! We went on our date, talked about fostering amongst other things.

Then Sunday, we picked up The Princess' early birthday gift. Its really for the entire family, but Princess is absolutley nuts about cats. So now we have Jack, a bengal/coon mix...or so they think at the rescue. I mean, unless you're dealing with a breeder, who the heck really knows?

Which brings us to yesterday. The Princess turned two! And, we had a social worker out to the house to talk about us becoming foster parents. Found out that we'd have some minor repairs to do around the house, lock up all meds and chemicals (including shaving cream!), what classes we'd need, the application process...and when all of that is done, they'd be looking to place a boy with us Taz' age, so that they could share a room.

We haven't decided if we're going to pursue this right now, or wait until we're in a larger place, but at least now we know the hoops needed to jump through, the classes to take, etc. We're leaning towards waiting until after WCB is done whatever it is they'll do with me, then moving. I'd hate to have to put a foster child through yet another transistion.

Oh, and to add...Taz broke a neighbour's window. Threw a pebble, and hit just the wrong way to produce a bullet hole effect. It'll wipe out our savings to repair, since its a double paned vacuum sealed dohickey, but at least we HAVE the savings to cover it. So much for my Christmas account *sob*

Its been a busy weekend!