Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Voice Of Grace

Talked to my good friend J tonight. As usual, she's the voice of Grace I so often need.

Talking to her always clarifies things. She has a blog named Be Still And Know...and that's what she always helps me to do. She tunes out the background static, and helps me to focus. Not that she dispenses pithy quotes, channels God and answers all my questions, but she helps.

Long talk this eve about fostering/adopting. She spoke of how Joseph was given a dream that he would be ruler over his brothers, that they would bow before him...and that it took twelve years for that to come to pass. That God may give a calling, may put a path in your heart, but that doesn't mean its going to happen rightthisverynow.

Patience is NOT one of my many virtues, but it seems God is insistant I learn it. *sigh*

There are a lot of things I need to do to get my house in order. I am making the commitment, with all of you as my witnesses, that I begin tomorrow morning. My preparations will only bless my family. I need to work on my many flaws (yes, patience is one of them...gee, are we seeing a theme?) and I know that addressing these will only bless my husband and children.

J also points out that if God wanted us to do this right now, Wolf would also be feeling this overwhelming desire...and he's not. Its not that he rejects the idea of fostering or adopting...but says, 'Not now'. J says that as the husband, and head of the family, I need to accept his view, and accept that God wouldn't call just one of us for an obviously two person job.

I don't do the whole, "He's the head of the house, follow him" thing well. At all. J, if you start talking about another thing to learn and accept, I may kick you in the shins :-P

J is right...as she often is. I need to concentrate on my house first...then see whats next in store.

I know I'm not meant to foster this week. I know its not even this year, probably not the next...although I'm not so certain of that one. I get the feeling that this is coming at me like a freight train, and I'd better get my butt in gear, because there's no delaying this trip. Perhaps thats where the jittery comes from...knowing, or suspecting that this isn't as far in the future as it once was, that its time to buckle down and seriously get to work on what needs doing.

And it starts with being the best steward of the gifts I've been given already...my husband and children. I'm not a bad wife or mother...but there's always room for Jello...errrr...I mean improvement. That includes settling the situation with this stupid arm too.

And so...it begins. I'll never be a Stepford Wife...but I need to let go of some things. Let go of the idea I have sometimes that 'I can't...' because I'm not 'that kind of woman'. I can embrace some traditional things that I've longed to, but denied for fear of ridicule, or it not agreeing with the facade that so many people believe to actually be me.

I was saying to Wolf last night that I'm becoming a 'Granola Mom'. That's the term I used to describe women that are very Earth Motherish...always seem to have it together, children are wonderful, house is lovely, they're laid back and serene...well, more so than I am, anyways :-P Reality of it is, I envied those women I called 'Granola'. I wanted whatever secret they have. I envy the quiet strength, the surety, the ability to follow what they know to be right without arguement, justification or strife...just smile and nod while going on doing what they knew to be right. Now, I'm not so naive as to think that they didn't mentally flip someone the bird, but they didn't give negativity power. That's who I want to be.

And it starts now. Tomorrow is a new day, a new blessing...and I intend to start living that blessing, grab it with both hands and do my very very best to not go to bed tomorrow night wishing that I had done more, spoke sweeter, been less impatient.

I'm not insane. I don't expect all to magically wonderously fall into place in a day...but for the first time, I KNOW who I'm choosing to be, I KNOW who I'm meant to be.

And I'm taking God's hand to lead me, to guide me, to support me in this change.

God Bless.

Interesting Dream...

Had an interesting dream as I was waking up this am. I say as I was waking up, because even as I was getting out of bed, my brain was still continuing a convo from the dream.

In the dream, I was adopting the sibling group that I've been thinking about...and yep, somehow came into enough money to get a large enough house to do so.

I sit here and wonder...is that just me fantasizing, or is it some sort of message I should be paying attention to?

I've been praying...a lot. Praying that if this is the path I am meant to walk, that some way is found for us to walk it. That some how we know, for SURE that its meant to be, and that our way is cleared in terms of housing to accomplish it. As a friend often tells me, nothing is impossible for God...and that He doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. I keep reminding myself of this...while my heart aches for four children in foster care, wanting a family of their own.

I know the statistics. I know that the ages of these children make adoption placements difficult, even if they were 'single adoptions'. The fact that they're a sibling group of 4 makes it near impossible. As prideful as it sounds, in my heart I feel like we're if not the only, one of the only shots these kids may have of being adopted together. I know, I know...pride. And once again, nothing is impossible for God. If He wants these children in a family, then it will happen, regardless of my fears, yearnings, desires. We may not be the family for these children. We may not be a family for any of these children that my heart aches for, we may not even be meant to foster.

I can deal with yes, or no. Its the 'maybe' that makes me a wee bit nutty. I just wish God would let me in on His plans for us somehow, so that we can better walk the path that He has set for us.