Sunday, June 20, 2010

In Shock, Reeling

My mother called a week ago.  Her and my dad are coming out from the other side of the country, and want to meet up.

To say that we have a strained relationship would be an understatement.  A massive understatement.

I almost died before our wedding. I'm not sure my parents even called to check up on me, now that I think about it.

I've had two children since. My mother has yet to meet my youngest, my dad hasn't met either of them.

They didn't even attend my wedding. Only dd, and they certainly had the funds to do so if they choose.

The wedding gift was a cheque...less than my mother spent on her outfit for my cousin's wedding (I know because she told me).

They ignored the birth of my youngest, birthdays, Christmas until this past year.  Not so much as a card or even phone call.

Those are just little things.  My parents, in particular my mother has betrayed me in ways that most folks wouldn't believe that anyone could do to their child.  I'm not comfortable sharing the details of that, but believe me when I say I haven't seen my mother in five years, my dad in 8 or so...and never planned to see them face to face ever again.  We talk on the phone, a very superficial relationship.

The idea of seeing them face to face rakes up so much pain...I'm stunned and reeling.

I *have* decided to meet with them.  If I can get through that, I'm planning on them meeting my kids.

Wolf hates them.  He hates the betrayal, and the pain they caused me.

I've never believed myself capable of suicide, but the night of their betrayal, the only reason I'm still here is I couldn't figure out a way for Diva not to find me.  I still shudder at that.  My mother knows, she's been told, and she basically shrugged.

She's even more NPD than my MIL.  Truly.

I'm doing this for my children.  And, my dad's health being what it is, it may be the last chance to see him at all.

The pain is still there.  I'm afraid I won't be able to manage this, to pull it off.  Tazzie has been asking about them, Diva remembers them, so its important that they meet.  Important to the kids to have had that, not to my parents.  What they consider important doesn't make my importance scale.

Btwn Wolf and I, I'm afraid someone will explode.

Its the right thing to do.  To deny my children this chance would be wrong.

I just pray I can survive it.