Saturday, December 19, 2009

In The Darkness...

Ever feel under attack? Like someone or someTHING has you in its sights, and is throwing emotional crap at you, one after another, until you feel like you're going to snap under its weight? And its done so insidiously, that nobody else around you really knows whats going on, just that you're completely snarly and unable to please, and you get angry over things that are probably completely ridiculous, but your anger stays, and so does feeling justified for it?

Yeah. I'm having one of THOSE days.

Its started out, as it often does, with a lack of sleep. The last few days my sleep has been terribly broken, with incredibly vivid dreams. I had dreams that Wolf and I were arguing in bed, and then when I dragged myself to consciousness, discovered I hadn't even rolled over. And not just once. THREE times in the same freakin night. Like I got back to sleep just to have it repeated.

Then last night, I had a dream...and in it, my heart was beating so incredibly hard, it was like I could see my pulse in my hands, arms. When I woke up, my chest ached. I wonder if my heart was beating really hard (for whatever reason) and it became part of my dream, or if my dream became part of my reality.

I woke up at 5 am, with Tazzie awake at 5:01 am. Wolf showed up for coffee two hours later. I felt like I was going to fall over, so went back to bed...and COULDN'T SLEEP. Talk about insanity.

Insanity: Feeling like you're going to fall over, throw up, or both due to lack of sleep, and then not being able to sleep. And that's WITH melatonin to help things along.

So, I got up again. Talked to Wolf about potentially Christmas shopping today. He huffed a bit, reminding me he had a maybe hockey game to play this afternoon. I finally said that I wouldn't go shopping, and he tells me that's for the best, it would be insane crowd-wise, and Tues during the day would be better for less people...then he follows it up with saying that my not shopping meant HE could go out and get a hockey stick this am!! And then he wonders why I'm ticked off at him. Seriously.

I go back to bed, and as I'm trying to drift off, one more thing hits me.

Wolf and I lost our first child together, due to an ectopic pregnancy. Found out before Valentine's that we were expecting, moved up our wedding date, and by the end of Feb, there was no longer a little heartbeat, and I had stitches in my bellybutton (laproscopic surgery).

For a long time, I hated my body. It had rebelled against me, and cost me our child. I grieved for the loss of my little one.

Time went on as it always does, and healer-thief that it is, the pain went away. Two healthy babies and almost seven years later, and I'm ashamed to admit that I don't think of my lost one much at all anymore.

Then, this am, it came roaring back at me. That Tazzie would have, should have an older sibling, Diva a younger closer to her age. That that unknown, gender unknown child would have turned seven in September.

People have pointed out, and realistically so, that if we'd had that child, Princess wouldn't be with us. That kind of logic, as honest and real as it is, enrages me. Like it was a trade off, that the child we lost wasn't as valuable, that missing my unknown is somehow devaluing the love I have for my Princess. Its not an either/or thing in my heart.

Part of the mourning is the loneliness of it. Wolf just didn't understand at the time. He understands more now, having had Tazzie and Princess, but its not a wound for him in the same way. For him, it has always been a matter of fact situation. The ectopic was caught on a fluke, and almost cost me my life. He almost lost his to-be wife. It was a medical condition to him.

So that hit me today. And I've been crying on and off since, quietly, where nobody sees or hears.

I know that I should be counting my blessings, and I do, I do. But sometimes, things lost need their moment to be honoured too.

Like I said, I feel under attack right now, and the attacker knows the right places to hit...of course.

If you are reading this, say a prayer for me, k? I need them to get through today.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Update On Sewing

I have to be honest, its not going so well. I managed, after several hours, to get the pattern cut out.

I'm talking the TISSUE PAPER pattern, not anything to do with actual fabric.

By the time I was done that, I was in pain so bad I was trembling.

I didn't sleep last night, finally managing to get a few hours this afternoon.

I want so badly to honour my daughter with this dress...I just truly don't know if I can physically manage it.

Wolf asked why I would attempt such a thing when I have RSD. Perhaps its because I have RSD. I want to do something special, that my beautiful daughter deserves, as her mother, RSD be damned. If I was able to find a beautiful dress for her, I would go that route...but I can't. She's 11, and in women's sizes, only an inch shorter than I. Any dress I could find for her was far, far too mature. Any pretty party gowns in the girls/teens ran out before we found her size.

Sewing seemed the only option...I just don't know if I can.

I'm praying that I'm able to honour my daughter with this, that God will give me the strength to get through this.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Facing Shortcomings

I had a complete meltdown and panic attack last night. It wasn't about anything you might think.

It was about a sewing pattern.

Yes, a sewing pattern. An 'Easy' sewing pattern at that.

You see, its my feverent hope and plan to make Diva a lovely dress/jumper for Christmas, and then give her the pattern so that she can make one of her own. I, with the help of K, picked out an easy pattern, and a lovely fabric that Diva will look wonderful in.

Believe it or not, its not the one handedness issue that has me freaking out. I plan to do the sewing on the days after I get the lidocaine infusion, so to be in the best possible physical shape.

And, a part of it is no doubt, spitting in the eye of RSD. To do something for my girl, regardless of the pain.

I also want to make her this incredible stocking as a looks like a ballerina slipper. But, I promised I'd make the dress first.

So, last night, I finally put off getting this thing done. I wanted to pin the pieces into place, so that Saturday I could at least manage the cutting, if not some sewing.

I read the directions and promptly freaked out. It seems I'd forgotten how long ago it had been since Home Ec, and that the one sewing project I'd had was supposed to be a long sweatshirt with pockets (Hey, it was the 80s!) but looked like something with four arms.

I'm terrified. I have no flipping clue about sewing darts. And why the top would be in FOUR pieces. All it needs is a front, and a back. So WHY the four pieces???

But, this is about pleasing my daughter, not about my fears and insecurities. So, tonight, I will proceed. I will not allow my disability, or my shortcomings ruin this, or rob her.

I just pray that I don't completely screw it up.