Saturday, December 19, 2009

In The Darkness...

Ever feel under attack? Like someone or someTHING has you in its sights, and is throwing emotional crap at you, one after another, until you feel like you're going to snap under its weight? And its done so insidiously, that nobody else around you really knows whats going on, just that you're completely snarly and unable to please, and you get angry over things that are probably completely ridiculous, but your anger stays, and so does feeling justified for it?

Yeah. I'm having one of THOSE days.

Its started out, as it often does, with a lack of sleep. The last few days my sleep has been terribly broken, with incredibly vivid dreams. I had dreams that Wolf and I were arguing in bed, and then when I dragged myself to consciousness, discovered I hadn't even rolled over. And not just once. THREE times in the same freakin night. Like I got back to sleep just to have it repeated.

Then last night, I had a dream...and in it, my heart was beating so incredibly hard, it was like I could see my pulse in my hands, arms. When I woke up, my chest ached. I wonder if my heart was beating really hard (for whatever reason) and it became part of my dream, or if my dream became part of my reality.

I woke up at 5 am, with Tazzie awake at 5:01 am. Wolf showed up for coffee two hours later. I felt like I was going to fall over, so went back to bed...and COULDN'T SLEEP. Talk about insanity.

Insanity: Feeling like you're going to fall over, throw up, or both due to lack of sleep, and then not being able to sleep. And that's WITH melatonin to help things along.

So, I got up again. Talked to Wolf about potentially Christmas shopping today. He huffed a bit, reminding me he had a maybe hockey game to play this afternoon. I finally said that I wouldn't go shopping, and he tells me that's for the best, it would be insane crowd-wise, and Tues during the day would be better for less people...then he follows it up with saying that my not shopping meant HE could go out and get a hockey stick this am!! And then he wonders why I'm ticked off at him. Seriously.

I go back to bed, and as I'm trying to drift off, one more thing hits me.

Wolf and I lost our first child together, due to an ectopic pregnancy. Found out before Valentine's that we were expecting, moved up our wedding date, and by the end of Feb, there was no longer a little heartbeat, and I had stitches in my bellybutton (laproscopic surgery).

For a long time, I hated my body. It had rebelled against me, and cost me our child. I grieved for the loss of my little one.

Time went on as it always does, and healer-thief that it is, the pain went away. Two healthy babies and almost seven years later, and I'm ashamed to admit that I don't think of my lost one much at all anymore.

Then, this am, it came roaring back at me. That Tazzie would have, should have an older sibling, Diva a younger closer to her age. That that unknown, gender unknown child would have turned seven in September.

People have pointed out, and realistically so, that if we'd had that child, Princess wouldn't be with us. That kind of logic, as honest and real as it is, enrages me. Like it was a trade off, that the child we lost wasn't as valuable, that missing my unknown is somehow devaluing the love I have for my Princess. Its not an either/or thing in my heart.

Part of the mourning is the loneliness of it. Wolf just didn't understand at the time. He understands more now, having had Tazzie and Princess, but its not a wound for him in the same way. For him, it has always been a matter of fact situation. The ectopic was caught on a fluke, and almost cost me my life. He almost lost his to-be wife. It was a medical condition to him.

So that hit me today. And I've been crying on and off since, quietly, where nobody sees or hears.

I know that I should be counting my blessings, and I do, I do. But sometimes, things lost need their moment to be honoured too.

Like I said, I feel under attack right now, and the attacker knows the right places to hit...of course.

If you are reading this, say a prayer for me, k? I need them to get through today.


Our Westmoreland School said...

I could not imagine how you feel, Imp. I'm so sorry for all of this.

Praying for you now.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Of course it doesn't detract from your other children, this was a separate person. That's like saying, if Drew's grampa hadn't died we wouldn't have Luke... What?!?

Hugs. Hugs. And more hugs.

Anonymous said...

I am very sorry for your loss. The death of a child, no matter what their age, is traumatic. And men really don't understand it the same way women do. They just don't.

I hope today is better.


mskelli said...

Praying for you. I lost a baby 10 years ago and for some reason this year it hit me hard. He/she was due on what would have been my grandmother's (who raised me)birthday and every few years it just hits. And I hate those vivid dreams. It makes me feel like I am crazy and don't know whats real. I truly pray that things improve for you.

Smrt Mama said...

I love a baby between Tank and Babypie. I found out a few days after miscarrying that my SIL was due on my due date. She had a little boy, and while I adore him (and absolutely love and cherish the baby girl I had 18 months later), it's still sometimes really hard to be around them without thinking "my baby would be doing xyz."

*hug* It's ok that you don't think of your lost baby that often. We learn to integrate our losses into our hearts so that don't have to actively think about the ones we lose in order to still love them hard. It's also ok when that sadness comes flooding back, because sometimes it just needs an outlet.

Thinking of you and sending you strength.