Officially On Hold

I got some news yesterday that I've been mulling over, trying to decide how I feel about it.

I was talking to our Family and Children's Services, about attending information night, their info pkg, etc. I asked if my injury/disability would prevent us from adopting/foster to adopt. (I was working as a nursing attendant, assaulted by a resident, and now have about 10-15% use of my dominant hand/arm and chronic pain). She asked, "Does it keep you from parenting the children you have now?" "No, of course not!" "Well then, why would it keep you from parenting an adopted child? It wouldn't have any bearing on your case."

So that was great news But...they have a rule that states that you must wait one year from a traumatic injury or illness...and this definately falls under that. Losing use of my dominant arm, and therefore my career, my future career (was planning to get my LPN) would most certainly mean 'traumatic'. So, we cannot proceed until at least June of 09. In some ways, that was really upsetting, then the more I thought about it, the more I was able to see some positive in it. I'd been feeling weighed down with guilt over our hesitation to start the process. My husband wants to wait until we have a larger home, and things are more settled with Workers Compensation. I was of the mindset that there's never a 'perfect' time, and either we'd get approved as we are, or we wouldn't, but at least we'd know, and there was a strong likelihood that we would be approved, so why wait?

So, now the pressure is off in that sense. Dh and I have been talking more about adoption, and leaning towards a younger child than the one we'd initially seen in the photo listing site. We can use this time to work on our mental 'to do' lists, and increase our confidence in ourselves, and ability to meet what ever standards and tests may be involved with the adoption process, and have time for the compensation issue to be sorted out.

So, its bittersweet, but I'm viewing it as a gift of time, as opposed to a negative, or closed door. I'd still rather 'go go go get it done!' because that's my personality, but I guess this is another chance to learn paitence. Paitence is definately NOT one of my many virtues!

Bragging On The Boys

Wolf and I had been talking on Sunday about how badly things were getting to me. Friday was just hell, and the stupid driver was the icing on a poisoned cake at that point. Saturday, I went to see the psychologist for the first time which was emotional, and Sunday, Jack went MIA.

I told my husband, "I need something GOOD to happen." Wolf replied, "I didn't realize we were in a bad place."

I explained to him that *we* aren't, but that I'm just feeling overwhelmed, drained, tired, frayed. He went to bed shortly after, and before I went to bed, Jack came home, so that definately lifted my spirits. I felt like that was the good thing I'd needed.

Anyways, Wolf comes home yesterday with a bunch of red carnations. I thanked him happily, but was puzzled. The only time he's ever brought flowers home before was on my birthday or our anniversary. Before I could ask, he said, "You said you needed something good to happen...I thought maybe this would work."
Its those kinda moments that mean so much.

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Taz, 3.5 read Wolf a bedtime story last night. He's reading more and more, I'm just so stinkin proud of him! He read the book, grinned at Wolf and announced, "I'm AWESOME!" lmao!

Depressed

Its been a heck of a weekend. Started Friday.

Diva had an art class at the Gallery. It was a challenge for me, managing both the littles downtown, esp attempting to push a stroller. By the time her class was done, I was in a lot of pain, and grateful to be on the bus home.
Princess started to cry, loudly. Bus driver turned around and snapped, "That's enough, I don't put up with that on my bus!" I get her quieted, and all is good, right?
Wrong.
Princess does this...'singing'. That's what she's attempting to do, I don't know how it sounds to someone that doesn't know her...but its a happy sound...and 'ahhhh'...but she is loud for a bus. I'm trying to whisper to her, distract her, every trick I know to get her to use her inside voice. It works for a bit, and then she starts her singing again. The bus driver pulls over, and demands that I "do something about her!" I explained, "She's only two." "I don't care. Pick her up!"
I can feel the heat crawling up my face, and my eyes fill with tears as I'm forced to admit to a bus driver, and passengers, that I'm physically unable to pick up my toddler from her stroller. "I can't, I only have one working arm."
"Only one working arm?! Are you serious?!" he asked, like I was trying to scam him. At this point, I'm ready to burst into tears. I've just had to publicly announce that I'm freaking disabled, and he's treating me like I'm making it up. He then tells me, "Well, pay attention to her or something, but that's enough of that!"
We got off the bus as soon as we could. Princess passed out about 10 mins after he had pulled over. She wasn't screaming, she wasn't crying, she wasn't throwing a tantrum...she was singing, "Ahhhhh...ahhhhhh..."
And I was in freaking tears. Overreacted? Yeah, probably. But felt totally humiliated and useless and physically hurt a lot. I did email a complaint to ETS, so its under investigation.

Then, today...Jack the Cat escaped this am. Hasn't been seen since. And then discovered that WCB wanting me to go out of town for an independant medical assessment means that I'm going to miss trick or treating with my kids, since I won't get home on the bus til 630 or so...and then have to bus it from downtown.

Don't even get me started on my fears regarding travelling alone by Greyhound.

I want some control over my life back.