My gf K has been busy getting ready for a vacation, but thank God she had the ability to see me through this past wknd. Unfortunately for her, I fell apart the last day or so before she left...especially the last night when she stopped by. All the ugliness that I had just sort of washed up out of my soul and spewed out my mouth. Not towards her, but all the self loathing I've ever had.
The wknd...I saw my parents and had MIL here all wknd. Its a wknd never, EVER to be repeated. I can't handle both in the same set of days.
Funny enough, my parents behaved, my MIL was...behaved for her (still those moments that you just stared slack jawed at her), but my marriage is what suffered for it. Wolf allowed his anger to be more important to him than I was in terms of being there for me when I needed him.
I did tell him all of this, and the poor man tried to make it up. Including buying me Hagen Daz ice cream. Unfortunately, after 7 yrs of marriage, he's not caught on to the fact I'm strictly a Ben and Jerry's girl. I loathe Hagen Daz. 
I'd been so numb since Saturday that Mon and Tues was just pure anger. Now that that's over, I set about apologizing to those I've lashed out at, and working to put my marriage back together. Not 'back together' in the sense that he's moving out, but to stitch up the tears that have been created in the fabric, if that makes sense. Its hard to deal with someone that says simply, "I don't care." and that's where I've been.
I think the hardest thing has been to discover that there's nothing left btwn my parents and I. I don't have any 'daughter' feelings for them left. My mother gave me a lovely angel figure with a mother-daughter inscription...I immediately put it up in my closet to give to Diva some day. Absolutely no desire to have it up in my house in regards to her and I.
I've been struggling with what it means about me as a person. If I can be so unfeeling to the ppl that raised me, feeling no more emotion towards them than neighbours who had known me as a child, what does that say about me? I still haven't figured that one out yet. Wolf's suggested that perhaps it means I'm stronger than I used to be, that I'm not needing their love or approval. That seems so sad, so cold somehow. I just don't honestly know.
My mother called a week ago. Her and my dad are coming out from the other side of the country, and want to meet up.
To say that we have a strained relationship would be an understatement. A massive understatement.
I almost died before our wedding. I'm not sure my parents even called to check up on me, now that I think about it.
I've had two children since. My mother has yet to meet my youngest, my dad hasn't met either of them.
They didn't even attend my wedding. Only dd, and they certainly had the funds to do so if they choose.
The wedding gift was a cheque...less than my mother spent on her outfit for my cousin's wedding (I know because she told me).
They ignored the birth of my youngest, birthdays, Christmas until this past year. Not so much as a card or even phone call.
Those are just little things. My parents, in particular my mother has betrayed me in ways that most folks wouldn't believe that anyone could do to their child. I'm not comfortable sharing the details of that, but believe me when I say I haven't seen my mother in five years, my dad in 8 or so...and never planned to see them face to face ever again. We talk on the phone, a very superficial relationship.
The idea of seeing them face to face rakes up so much pain...I'm stunned and reeling.
I *have* decided to meet with them. If I can get through that, I'm planning on them meeting my kids.
Wolf hates them. He hates the betrayal, and the pain they caused me.
I've never believed myself capable of suicide, but the night of their betrayal, the only reason I'm still here is I couldn't figure out a way for Diva not to find me. I still shudder at that. My mother knows, she's been told, and she basically shrugged.
She's even more NPD than my MIL. Truly.
I'm doing this for my children. And, my dad's health being what it is, it may be the last chance to see him at all.
The pain is still there. I'm afraid I won't be able to manage this, to pull it off. Tazzie has been asking about them, Diva remembers them, so its important that they meet. Important to the kids to have had that, not to my parents. What they consider important doesn't make my importance scale.
Btwn Wolf and I, I'm afraid someone will explode.
Its the right thing to do. To deny my children this chance would be wrong.
I just pray I can survive it.
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