Saturday, November 22, 2008

Get Found, Kid

Friend of mine's blog inspired this...

She was talking about hiding from people, emotionally, and her struggle to get past it.

Reminded me of an essay in the book, "All I Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten" by Robert Fulghum, one of my all time favourite authors. In this particular essay, he talks about how grown ups play hide and seek like kids do, but we do it with our true selves, our emotions, our hearts.

And its true, isn't it.

I just had a chat with Wolf last night. Although, 'chat' might be a bit of a misnomer. I talked, I cried, he listened.

I've been playing Hide and Seek, you see. I've been hiding not only from my husband, but from myself. The only people I'm even remotely honest with are my Drs, because they have to know exactly where I'm at. Well, and a good friend of mine tends to see more than anyone else.

I've been trying to protect my husband. He gets so frustrated and upset with the fact that I'm hurting and he can't do squat about it. Its shaken the foundation of our marriage.

See, every marriage has its bargin. Spoken or not. Everyone has their roles to play, as it were. For us, my dh needed a wife/mother. I knew it, accepted it, and embraced it in many ways. I was the strong one, emotionally. His anchor. I smoothed the way as best I could, carrying the stress and burdens so that he didn't have to. He worked, I carried. And it worked for us.

I'm not complaining at all, don't get me wrong. Like I said, it worked.

Until now.

Until I'm unable to make this better. I can't protect him, and worry about him, when I'm drowning myself. Drowning in denial, refusing to think of the future, worrying about being able to tend to my responsibilities as a wife and mother. So now, we need to reshuffle our roles. I need him to lie to me once in a while, tell me everything will be fine, even knowing that he can't guarantee that.

Hiding is something we learn on our way to adulthood. Fear guides us. Those that know our vulnerabilities have power in our lives.

But sometimes...our vulnerabilities being hidden hurts beyond measure.

So to those hiding, I'm calling out.

Olly Olly Oxen Free!

Get found, Kid. Get found.


Linda said...

I am so sorry Imp your going through all this. Unfort. I understand all to well..sending prayers and hugs. Please go over and check my blog, there is something for you.

Bestill said...

I am sorry that you are going through this, but the good news is, you are growing! I keep thinking of Corrie Ten Boom and then I feel bad for whining about my life. (You're not whining, I"m talkin' about me) She grew so much in the midst of the most enormous amount of suffering I can possibly imagine and then devoted the rest of her entire life to reaching out to other so they might learn from her experiences. You can do great things, so don't count yourself out. Also, needing someone else is such a blessing at times. Oh the vulnerability is scary, you know I know that, but the opportunity to let them serve you is good for them too.