Thursday, July 15, 2010

I Survived

My gf K has been busy getting ready for a vacation, but thank God she had the ability to see me through this past wknd. Unfortunately for her, I fell apart the last day or so before she left...especially the last night when she stopped by. All the ugliness that I had just sort of washed up out of my soul and spewed out my mouth. Not towards her, but all the self loathing I've ever had.

The wknd...I saw my parents and had MIL here all wknd. Its a wknd never, EVER to be repeated. I can't handle both in the same set of days.

Funny enough, my parents behaved, my MIL was...behaved for her (still those moments that you just stared slack jawed at her), but my marriage is what suffered for it. Wolf allowed his anger to be more important to him than I was in terms of being there for me when I needed him.

I did tell him all of this, and the poor man tried to make it up. Including buying me Hagen Daz ice cream. Unfortunately, after 7 yrs of marriage, he's not caught on to the fact I'm strictly a Ben and Jerry's girl. I loathe Hagen Daz.

I'd been so numb since Saturday that Mon and Tues was just pure anger. Now that that's over, I set about apologizing to those I've lashed out at, and working to put my marriage back together. Not 'back together' in the sense that he's moving out, but to stitch up the tears that have been created in the fabric, if that makes sense. Its hard to deal with someone that says simply, "I don't care." and that's where I've been.

I think the hardest thing has been to discover that there's nothing left btwn my parents and I. I don't have any 'daughter' feelings for them left. My mother gave me a lovely angel figure with a mother-daughter inscription...I immediately put it up in my closet to give to Diva some day. Absolutely no desire to have it up in my house in regards to her and I.

I've been struggling with what it means about me as a person.  If I can be so unfeeling to the ppl that raised me, feeling no more emotion towards them than neighbours who had known me as a child, what does that say about me?  I still haven't figured that one out yet.  Wolf's suggested that perhaps it means I'm stronger than I used to be, that I'm not needing their love or approval.  That seems so sad, so cold somehow.  I just don't honestly know.


thehorizontalyoyo said...

I think this if anything, this whole ordeal with your parents is proof how fragile the parent/child relationship is; it is not unconditional - not when you have wounded souls involved.

The only unconditional relationship that exists is the one between a loving Creator and His children. The rest of us just try to hold on tight and pray that those who love us forgive our faults - and that's in a healthy relationship!

smnthpt said...

Sounds like a pretty intense time between your MIL and parents. I'm sure it would have been difficult with one of them let alone both. I hope Wolf is right in that you may now be much stronger than you were and maybe have discovered that having their approval, etc is no longer so desperately needed. You have gone on to make your own life and family and that may be filling that need now. Now that you have had a week to absorb all of this... how are you feeling now? Have things smoothed you for you and Wolf?