Where To Start?!

Honestly. Things have just gotten out of control around here.

Ever since my testing over a week ago, I've been barely treading water. The testing was over 3 hrs long, incredibly painful, tortuous...and at no time was I allowed to say, "Enough", or "Stop" because that would mean I was non-compliant, and worker's comp would have had a field day.

I still can't be in my own bed without nightmares or flashes of being strapped down to that table while someone hurt me, over and over again.

Yet, life does go on. I need to do laundry, vacuum, steam clean, the bathroom is a disaster...the list goes on. And on. Everything that I haven't done while I've been licking my wounds has just stacked up. And up.

Its just so overwhelming this am. I know that the place to start is anywhere, just get going. Logically, I know this. So why is it, emotionally, I'm curled up in a ball hiding under my desk?

I think its the whole feeling of being completely helpless, unable to even protect myself, being a bug pinned down to someone's tray while they poked and prodded and reduced me to an injured animal that has left me feeling completely incompetent in every aspect of my life.
  
PTSD has occurred to me. I see my psychologist Friday.

I find it ironic. Assaulted by a resident. RSD sets in, robbing me of my dominant hand and arm. Constant pain. Losing my life as a whole, healthy woman, wife and mother.

But its the testing that has me completely falling apart. A 3 hr test from H*ll, no debate...but you'd think I could shake it off if all the rest of the crud didn't break me. I guess I've hit my limit.  

So Tired Of This!!

Gah!

I'm back to flipping btwn sweats and chills.  I *thought* I'd figured out what the problem was, and hadn't had an episode for the past few days.

Yeah.  Til an hour ago.

RSD sucks.  Its screwed with my nervous system so much.  The arm is bad enough, but when your own personal thermostat is toasted, its plain nuts.  Like having the flu all. the. time.

Wearing layers doesn't help, because either its too much, and then flips to way too little.  And vice versa.

I need a reset button.

My Description of RSD

I was thinking about how to describe RSD in a way that someone can visualize. Heres what I came up with:

There's a dragon living in my arm. Its scales are made up of broken jagged glass and razor blades. Sometimes, the dragon is quiet, only moving restlessly in its sleep, breathing its steam breath. Even just by being present, the scales dig and rip at me...the restless dreaming is the best I can ever hope for. Then there are the other times, when its active, twisting and turning, its tail wrapping around my wrist or shoulder or elbow, and then dragging its tail away. It breathes fire everywhere, and it feels like every where its scales and claws are, my arm is being torn, ripped. This is my 'normal'.

Then there are the really terrible times. The dragon is angry about being trapped in my arm and wants out. It writhes in fury, clawing, biting, ripping and tearing, while trying to set fire to burn its way out.

These sensations are so real that I look at my arm, expecting to see the jagged glass trying to push through my skin.

Thats the most visual way I can think of to describe what living with RSD is like.