Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Where To Start?!

Honestly. Things have just gotten out of control around here.

Ever since my testing over a week ago, I've been barely treading water. The testing was over 3 hrs long, incredibly painful, tortuous...and at no time was I allowed to say, "Enough", or "Stop" because that would mean I was non-compliant, and worker's comp would have had a field day.

I still can't be in my own bed without nightmares or flashes of being strapped down to that table while someone hurt me, over and over again.

Yet, life does go on. I need to do laundry, vacuum, steam clean, the bathroom is a disaster...the list goes on. And on. Everything that I haven't done while I've been licking my wounds has just stacked up. And up.

Its just so overwhelming this am. I know that the place to start is anywhere, just get going. Logically, I know this. So why is it, emotionally, I'm curled up in a ball hiding under my desk?

I think its the whole feeling of being completely helpless, unable to even protect myself, being a bug pinned down to someone's tray while they poked and prodded and reduced me to an injured animal that has left me feeling completely incompetent in every aspect of my life.

PTSD has occurred to me. I see my psychologist Friday.

I find it ironic. Assaulted by a resident. RSD sets in, robbing me of my dominant hand and arm. Constant pain. Losing my life as a whole, healthy woman, wife and mother.

But its the testing that has me completely falling apart. A 3 hr test from H*ll, no debate...but you'd think I could shake it off if all the rest of the crud didn't break me. I guess I've hit my limit.

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