Friday, January 1, 2010

What's Wrong With Me?

Wolf and I were talking earlier, and my ectopic pregnancy came up. I started crying.

Then, my mother sent me a daily calendar, "To My Daughter With Love, Caring Thoughts" so I opened it today. It has a picture of a pretty young woman in a wedding dress, and the saying is, "Mother still knows best, even when that means taking her daughter's advice."

I started crying again. Why? Because my parents didn't attend my wedding. Yes, it was in another province, but I'm their only daughter, and the excuse that they couldn't afford it just doesn't ring true. My parents have no mortgage, and always brag about the size of their bank account.

I didn't realize that I still hurt over that, until this picture and saying. I was married, surrounded by people I didn't know. Nobody in my family came. Heck, I didn't even know I had family in the city til a cpl of years later when my mother did come to visit, after I'd had Tazzie. She told her rich uncle and aunt that we'd just gotten married When my aunt found out we'd been married for two years, she was aghast, and told me that they, and their kids, would have come. My mother was ashamed that I was a single mom, so didn't bother to tell them that I'd moved to their city, nor tell me that I had family here.

I'm back to no family again, because my rich uncle got po'd that we'd pulled Diva from the Christian school he was paying for (she was being bullied, had a kid threaten to slit her throat on the bus, etc, plus we moved across the city).

All of this is old news. So why am I crying over it today?!


Our Westmoreland School said...

What is the root of all this? You've been having such a terrible time and it seems like, from a far away view, there's something else that is causing all the crying. I mean, it seems like you're mourning something, but not what you're crying over. Is there something else going on? Has something been nagging you, is there something that's really getting to you, deep down, that you're masking by crying about all this other stuff?

Have you tried to write it down (not blog, but pen and paper)? Free writing, starting with the obvious and letting your thoughts meander, until all of a sudden the real problem pops out?

I wish I was there and could just slam down a cup of joe and keep you talking until we figured this out :( Hugs sweety.

Domestic Goddess said...

Pen and paper don't work, since my writing hand is affected by RSD.

Chances are, its the loss of a whole body, free of chronic pain that I'm mourning...and to be honest, I've never mourned the absence of my parents at my wedding. I was angry, and wouldn't mourn their absence, thereby allowing them to negatively affect my wedding day.

Thanks for responding, and for caring.

thehorizontalyoyo said...

I think it's probably an accumulation of a really hard time lately (extreme understatement - yes?)

My friend has recently gone through a few tragedies in her life and stuff that she thought she had dealt with is coming up.

For you - and her - it sounds like those things that were dealt with really weren't dealt with after all.


Debbie said...

Sometimes you just have to have a good cry. Sometimes without even knowing what triggered it.
Hope you feel better soon.

Tina said...

I've been a bit of a crier lately too. TV, books, comments, reading the word. I feel like a blubbering idiot. Hugs from me to you. Hope whatever it is (and I am thinking it's RSD related mourning), I'm prayin' for ya'!

As for your mom, I'll share an encouragement I received about my mom this week. Instead of thinking of all the things she did to hurt me (I have a thick scroll like you on family issues), I am focusing on the good attributes she passed on to me. It helps me forgive her and helps me appreciate every day I have left with her. She is gettin' old (but don't tell her I said that)!