My gf K has been busy getting ready for a vacation, but thank God she had the ability to see me through this past wknd. Unfortunately for her, I fell apart the last day or so before she left...especially the last night when she stopped by. All the ugliness that I had just sort of washed up out of my soul and spewed out my mouth. Not towards her, but all the self loathing I've ever had.
The wknd...I saw my parents and had MIL here all wknd. Its a wknd never, EVER to be repeated. I can't handle both in the same set of days.
Funny enough, my parents behaved, my MIL was...behaved for her (still those moments that you just stared slack jawed at her), but my marriage is what suffered for it. Wolf allowed his anger to be more important to him than I was in terms of being there for me when I needed him.
I did tell him all of this, and the poor man tried to make it up. Including buying me Hagen Daz ice cream. Unfortunately, after 7 yrs of marriage, he's not caught on to the fact I'm strictly a Ben and Jerry's girl. I loathe Hagen Daz. 
I'd been so numb since Saturday that Mon and Tues was just pure anger. Now that that's over, I set about apologizing to those I've lashed out at, and working to put my marriage back together. Not 'back together' in the sense that he's moving out, but to stitch up the tears that have been created in the fabric, if that makes sense. Its hard to deal with someone that says simply, "I don't care." and that's where I've been.
I think the hardest thing has been to discover that there's nothing left btwn my parents and I. I don't have any 'daughter' feelings for them left. My mother gave me a lovely angel figure with a mother-daughter inscription...I immediately put it up in my closet to give to Diva some day. Absolutely no desire to have it up in my house in regards to her and I.
I've been struggling with what it means about me as a person. If I can be so unfeeling to the ppl that raised me, feeling no more emotion towards them than neighbours who had known me as a child, what does that say about me? I still haven't figured that one out yet. Wolf's suggested that perhaps it means I'm stronger than I used to be, that I'm not needing their love or approval. That seems so sad, so cold somehow. I just don't honestly know.
My mother called a week ago. Her and my dad are coming out from the other side of the country, and want to meet up.
To say that we have a strained relationship would be an understatement. A massive understatement.
I almost died before our wedding. I'm not sure my parents even called to check up on me, now that I think about it.
I've had two children since. My mother has yet to meet my youngest, my dad hasn't met either of them.
They didn't even attend my wedding. Only dd, and they certainly had the funds to do so if they choose.
The wedding gift was a cheque...less than my mother spent on her outfit for my cousin's wedding (I know because she told me).
They ignored the birth of my youngest, birthdays, Christmas until this past year. Not so much as a card or even phone call.
Those are just little things. My parents, in particular my mother has betrayed me in ways that most folks wouldn't believe that anyone could do to their child. I'm not comfortable sharing the details of that, but believe me when I say I haven't seen my mother in five years, my dad in 8 or so...and never planned to see them face to face ever again. We talk on the phone, a very superficial relationship.
The idea of seeing them face to face rakes up so much pain...I'm stunned and reeling.
I *have* decided to meet with them. If I can get through that, I'm planning on them meeting my kids.
Wolf hates them. He hates the betrayal, and the pain they caused me.
I've never believed myself capable of suicide, but the night of their betrayal, the only reason I'm still here is I couldn't figure out a way for Diva not to find me. I still shudder at that. My mother knows, she's been told, and she basically shrugged.
She's even more NPD than my MIL. Truly.
I'm doing this for my children. And, my dad's health being what it is, it may be the last chance to see him at all.
The pain is still there. I'm afraid I won't be able to manage this, to pull it off. Tazzie has been asking about them, Diva remembers them, so its important that they meet. Important to the kids to have had that, not to my parents. What they consider important doesn't make my importance scale.
Btwn Wolf and I, I'm afraid someone will explode.
Its the right thing to do. To deny my children this chance would be wrong.
I just pray I can survive it.
Just got a call from my case manager. Amongst other things, they're looking at sending me to a city several hours away for 6-7 wks. She's even suggested that I bring the kids with me. I asked what I'd do with them while I was in program, and she mentioned Diva could babysit. In the hotel. I don't freaking believe this.
All of my Drs have been against this pain clinic. Partly because of my home life, but also because this pain clinic takes you off all.your.meds. I can't imagine how bad things will be or get if I'm completely med free...and this is from someone that resisted being on meds from the start. Case mgr bluntly told me that she doesn't like ppl on the meds I'm on 'forever'. Well, guess what? There's no other freakin option.
I'm to go to an assessment here in the city at some point. If they figure they can't help (and if they're honest, and not just out for the $$, they'll say they won't/can't...I've been through every aspect of their program already, in bits and pieces elsewhere...plus, at 2 yrs + after diagnosis, there's no recovery. It is what it is, period.) If that's the case, case mgr is talking sending me away...because there's also a vocational aspect to that particular pain clinic. I've no doubt that's the big issue here.
I've gone from her talking about leaving me alone for several years to her wanting to send me away AGAIN, something she even admits is NOT supported by ANY of my drs. But Worker's Comp can do whatever the h*ll they please, because they OWN me.
I'm just praying that btwn my drs and my union, she backs the heck off.
Most women (and therefore, most men) have a someone in their past...The 'What Might Have Been Man' is what I think of it as. Unless you married your first love, there's likely at least one WMHB when you look back on your life so far.
Funny enough, my WMHB was my first love. I was all of 14, he was 17. We broke up over a stupid, stupid issue, all my fault. But it didn't end there. Years later we got in touch again, at my instigation. And, believe it or not, I was too stupid to realize that he was dating me again. The man would drive an hour and a half to come 'hang out', and I didn't realize we were dating. D'oh! (Hey, I'm book smart, not life smart...at least not then, and probably not as much as I could be now, despite all of my varied experiences.)
Even after he was married, we kept in touch...again, my doing. Nothing major, a phone call when Diva was born (not his, btw, just a call anyways), an email here and there...last time was over a year, probably two years ago.
So, my WMHB has been a presence in my life, but not recently. We live across country from one another now, so I suppose that's why email was safe.
Here's the worst thing of it: I know, in my heart, that I still love my WMHB. Not with all my heart, but with a part of it...he was the first person in my life to have treated me with any respect, caring. I was important. It was a heady feeling for a girl that grew up as I did.
Problem is...I'm not his wife. Never have been, never will be. I need to let go of my WMHB, and give everything I am to my husband. To do less is robbing him, and our children, of everything our marriage could be.
You'd think that not having had contact with WMHB for a cpl of years would have made this a moot point. Not so much...not when a vivid dream has you in tears the next morning. The realization that a part of my heart was still so wrapped up in WMHB was devastating to me on many levels. Even, if I'm to be completely honest, at the idea of giving it up, letting it go. That feeling of being loved, securely, being safe, protected, unwavering devotion is something that I've never known before WMHB, or since.
But how could I possibly, if I'm measuring unconsciously against WMHB? Yes, he's a real person, but any idea is now a fantasy, if that makes sense.
I'm looking over my shoulder instead of at what's in front of me right now, and to the future.
Here's the really, REALLY ironic part: my husband shows his devotion to me daily. He takes care of me, in such a careFULL manner. Goes out of his way to bring me something special, just cause. Scrubs the walls because it makes me nuts that they're dirty, but I can't manage it on my own. Lets me sleep whenever I need it, encourages me to go out of the house when I don't feel like I can, but need the break...he's an Action/Service kind of person. I've always been a Touch person. Learning to appreciate my husband as he is, rather than what I *think* I need has been an awakening experience. I've been told, time and again from those outside our relationship how lucky I am. Heck, just the RSD issue...many marriages break up within a year of such a diagnosis. Here we are, at two years in, still going strong, probably stronger in many ways than we've been before.
So, here I stand, at the threshold of a decision, one that needs to be made, committed to. Today, I say good-bye to my WMHB, in my mind, my heart. I'm sure I'll find a way to be able to treasure memories from the past instead of daydreaming (or night dreaming) about changing the facts of it. To thank my WMHB for being who he was and is, but to let go, and dedicate myself wholly to my husband.
I don't know why I have a lump in my throat now, or eyes brimming with tears...perhaps because wondering, dreaming, thinking of WMHB has been such a part of me for so long.
I feel as I should apologize to my husband for this...a form of emotional cheating, even though its been just in my head, and any contact with WMHB was with the knowledge of my husband...but I need to let go.
Ridiculous, isn't it? That a single dream can bring all of this out? Some would say that its just a dream, no big deal...until the emotions spilled out, on to my waking life. Sometimes dreams are more than just dreams...and its time to say good bye to this one.
Good bye, WMHB. I loved you. And that teen girl always will. But the adult me needs to say good bye and mean it, and keep it and live it.
Goodbye.
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