Friday, November 5, 2010

Ever Have A Day...

Ever have a day when God's love for you was so apparent, so vivid, so overwhelmingly *there* that it left you feeling so filled with light, hope, peace, love?

I'm having that day.  I've never before experienced it.

Let me share with you what has happened today.  Its incredible.

First, I haven't slept.  Not unusual in my life.

However, at 3am, I turned on the tv.  It was left on where Diva watched the Cosby Show before bed...a Christian channel.  It had a show on...and brought back my most difficult time in my life, when I left my parents abusive home.

You see, a gf of mine's Dad worked for that show at the time.  When she found out I'd left home due to the abuse, she turned to her parents and asked them to take me in.

They did.  No hesitation.  No questions.  No doubt from them at all that what I said was real and true.

My mother showed up at their door, screaming and ranting and raving, spewing venom and hatred and threats.

There was no doubt in my mind that my dad was capable of showing up and assaulting my gf's Dad.

They put themselves, their dd, and their younger ds in that jeopardy for me.  Me, the child who had been taught from the age of 5 to answer the question, "Who are you?" with, "Nobody.  I'm nothing." and believed it with all my heart and soul.

They protected me from my mother at the door.  They agreed with the police to provide me with a safe place until CPS decided what to do.  CPS didn't want me...I would be turning 16 that summer (this all happened New Year's Eve, my leaving).

They fought CPS to take me in, to do something to protect me.

Anyways...seeing this show brought all that back.  And I was compelled to find these parents again.  Over 20 yrs later, I *needed* to find them, thank them, tell them how incredible and grateful and amazed I was and am for what they did.  They were the first to show me I had worth.  I was worth protecting. An impossible concept for me to grasp then.

So, I searched.  Immediately, I hit on a listing that I *knew* would be them.  I waited until a decent time (7am for me, 9am for them) to call, and did.

It was indeed her Dad that answered the phone.  He immediately knew who I was when I told him my name.

I spent almost 2 hrs talking with him.  He'd never forgotten me, had prayed for me, worried for me, shared my story with many families over the years, and hoped to hear that I was ok one day.  We both cried, he prayed for me and said things that my soul so needed to hear, to the point that I was doing the whole snotty nose, tear dripping, chest heaving sobs.

I've felt so incredibly blessed since then.  So enlightened, loved, clean.  Worthy, in a way that I've never ever experienced.

I've been blessed today in a way I never could have imagined.  Over 20 yrs late in coming, my contacting him, was an incredible blessing for us both.

I just wanted to share this incredible feeling.  God is so good.  I know He loves me in a part of my heart that was so dark and scared and scarred before that I couldn't embrace or accept it before.

Thank you, God.  Thank you.


smnthpt said...

He has always loved you and I am so very glad you have allowed yourself to see that. You have always deserved to be loved and you have always been worthy even when you could not see it. Maybe being on the opposite side of the country is the space you needed to someday begin to heal. I hope you can now. You are bright, funny and talented. Find strength in all of these things and let yourself become the person you are capable of and were meant to be. If you let those deep wounds define you then your parents win and their dysfunction continues to leave you deep wounds. You are loved and worthy of it. Don't let that realization slip away. Even this far away, I'm still here. Always checking for your posts. Always worried for you and praying for some bright spots in your life. I am really glad you had one and it sounds like it was really good for you. Big hug girl and I wish you were close enough so I could turn up on your doorstep and deliver it in person. I have to go now:-S Gotta shovel the house cuz I have my folks coming here this afternoon. Take care.

Domestic Goddess said...

Thanks girlie. Been missing you too!