When I think about what I want for my children, what readily comes to mind is what I DON'T want.
I don't want them to be like me. Worker's Comp forced me to go through a battery of psych testing, including IQ. All it did was prove my pain WASN'T in my head
and that I'm in the top 4th percentile of ppl my age. Not that being bright has done anything for me. I was a lowly nursing attendant, FINALLY going to go back to school (online, part time) get my Licensed Practical Nurse cert, and from there my RN with an eye to either being a Nurse Practitioner or a midwife. Of course, one assault by a resident has left me with a lifetime of chronic pain disability, so that's shot all to h*ll. At this point, I couldn't handle ONE course at a college/University level due to the pain and unpredictable nature of it, sitting through a single class would be a nightmare if the pain were bad, and completing coursework? Yeah. Not.So I don't want them to be like me. I want them to use the brains God gave them (all my kids have shown clear signs of being very bright) and DO something. Find something they love and pursue it.
I don't want them to struggle financially as I always have.
I don't want them to be a single parent.
I don't want them having a family before they've had a 'life'. I want them to have pursued everything they want to as young, single people that tends to be put aside when raising a family. Higher education, travel...whatever. And if they don't want any of those things, that's fine! But if they do, I want them to have the chance to do it.
I don't want them to be in their 30s, 40s and beyond with 'I wish I had...'
I want them to be young and foolish, to make mistakes, but not life altering ones...no scars on their minds, hearts, souls.
I want them to grow with faith. I want them to be steeped in it, to KNOW without question that God loves them, and is always there for them...especially when the day comes that I'm not any longer. I don't want them to struggle to find their way to God the way I've had to.
I want them to know, with every fibre of their being, that their Mommy loves them, forever and for always.
I want them to know that their Daddy loves them, is proud of them, would give everything he has, is, and will ever be for their safety and happiness.
I want them to be strong,confident, healthy, secure people. To trust others. To make friends easily, to know good from bad, truth from lies.
Yes, I want my children to be and to have everything I'm not and don't.
I want them to grow up to be anybody but me.
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3 comments:
Wow, that was a heavy one. Life isn't fair and frequently unkind. We make mistakes, all of us. No one should have to deal with chronic pain and I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. I guess the question is, where do you go from here? You have every right to be angry at your situation. I still think you should write. Correction, dictate. You are very bright. You have a gift with words. I think a novel might be a good place for your style of writing. I want you to make good on this and give it an honest go. I want you to be proud of YOU. If a single welfare Mom can turn out the Harry Potter series and secure her future (and likely that of her grandchildren as well) you too have great potential. Your greatest asset sits inside your skull and is not disabled (ok, maybe slightly twisted, lol). If Steven Hawking can have a brilliant career inside his cripled up body, you can too. It just needs to be taylored to you and what you can handle. You have a wealth of information at your fingertips (internet). God loves you. What about asking him to show you how it is that you could go about this in a way that you can live and grow with? I wish you clarity, direction and ultimately the kind of success that makes you feel like the person you were meant to be. Big long distance hug. I'm too far away to come over and have a drink with you, lol.
It wasn't just about my disability. Its about missed opportunities, experiences by becoming a parent so young. I want the kids to chase their dreams, fulfill them before having a family.
Course, if the fulfillment of their biggest dream is having a family, so be it! I just don't want them to be in their 30s and wishing they'd gone to University as a young adult, traveled...Things that are so hard and out of reach when you're in the midst of raising kids, and there's always new shoes to buy, outgrown jeans, etc. There's always more demand than there is money, lol!
Ain't that the truth!
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