Friday, May 29, 2009

Bummed

I'm not exactly sure where this post is going, so bear with me, k?

I'm not sure if its just the week that's getting to me...the going for yet ANOTHER exam by a stranger for Workers Compensation, and the ramifications (aka pain and exhaustion) of that, but I feel like I'm treading water and its frustrating the daylights out of me.

Diva is doing incredibly well, as I've posted at the other blog, and I'm so proud of her.
The Littles are...well, they're The Littles, lol!

What makes me nuts is wanting to move so badly. Wolf and I have wanted to live on an acreage since before we married. I'm a real estate junkie, checking out real estate sites and drooling the way others do porn. I'm forever looking at properties online. I know of at least FOUR properties in excellent locations for me (warmer weather than where we currently live...winters are brutal on me here) but not too far away, would carry a mortgage for around the same as we pay in rent...but we're completely stuck here, because of Workers Comp. Moving would be equal to quitting my job, and therefore I would lose all my Workers Comp benefits.

Its like I see all these wonderful opportunities before us, but are completely unable to even CONSIDER going after one of them. Heck, I'm not even sure that we'd qualify for a mortgage with our credit, but why even bother to find out since we can't procede? Even checking causes your credit to have a hit on it, and I'm not about to hit my credit for nothing, thanks. Plus, I'm fully aware that Workers Comp does owe me a settlement based on my 'non work loss'...some weird thing they do, figuring out that all my non work life (social, family, parenting, marriage, etc) is worth $x a year, and they pay your whatever % of that $x based on one year. One year only. Doesn't matter that you'll always be disabled, its a one year, one time thing...completely STUPID to me, but better than nothing...and that settlement would be a down payment, albeit a small one, on a house.

So, I sit, treading water, watching these beautiful properties that we could totally afford come and go, and pray and pray and pray that when the time comes there is still a property that we can afford and that is suitable for a family our size available. As unpredictible as the real estate market is, I live with the fear that by the time everything is sorted out, we won't be able to afford what we need, and will be stuck renting for years to come.

I hate living in the city, in a townhouse. I hate that my neighbours are so close that we have to constantly remind the children to be quiet. I hate that the yard is so small we can't have a swing set, or any type of play structure at all. Our 'garden' is a small brick structure out front. I want my kids to have room to run and yell and not worry about disturbing the neighbours. I want a garden that actually has room for vegetables...enough to feed us, and then can for the winter months.

I shouldn't whine. We have a park right across the road we can go to anytime, and a community centre for swimming very close. I just see opportunity a breath away and cannot even consider pursuing it.

I keep telling myself that God has a plan, that God knows what is right for us, and God will provide a way when the time is right. Unfortunately, I'm very, VERY human, and patience is NOT one of my many virtues!

5 comments:

thehorizontalyoyo said...

We've tried to move three times already and it's always fallen through. Here we sit after four years in this rental. It's only now that I see that this is where we need to be right now - for now.

It's hard to have patience. It's not my virtue either. But when it's time, it's gonna be really, really good.

Promise :)

Debbie said...

I have a hard time with patience as well. I so hope things work out for you - and soon:)

smnthpt said...

I am an MLS junkie too. I am a regular on the weekends wishing also for something that can't be done at this time or even in the next few years. We have well outgrown our current house and have just about zero for storage. I can relate.

Tough Cookie said...

Hi! I bumped into your blog this morning, and I am glad I did :-) I am a 24 year old grad student with RSD in all limbs. I hope you will follow me on my journey.

Tough Cookie said...

Thank you! I really appreciate that! I have been dealing with chronic pain for almost five years now, but I was only diagnosed with RSD a year and a half ago. I'm sure you had a longer than needed period of being misdiagnosed, too. Grrrr. I know if I was diagnosed sooner, I would have had a better chance at remission. By the time I was diagnosed, it spread from my right heel to every inch of both legs...and starting in my hands at the time.