Contemplating the Future

Yes, long time no post!

There's been so much going on, I hardly know where to begin.

First off, the MPO.  Contradictory info, basically sent us back to the beginning in terms of dealing with WCB.  3 yrs in, and no further ahead.  *sigh*  In fact, they're sending me back to work, yet AGAIN the 2nd wk of August.  As per experience, I expect it to fail miserably, but have to jump through the hoop anyways.

So, what else is going on?

Well, Wolf and I are adding to the crew.  Yup.  Baby Boy Tummy is due mid Nov.  How's that for news?  Crazy, aint it?  It took us a while to get over the shock, LOL!  Kidlets are excited.  They've been to the u/s appts, and so have even gotten to see their new baby brother.

We still look at and dream about moving to an acreage.  Where, we don't know.  Originally, we were looking at one province over, due to the cheap real estate prices, ease of moving, and Wolf having cousins there.  Then we switched gears and were intent on moving back to my home province.  Weather is far better there for me, my family would be within hours driving, and some of the places are still in our budget.

Now, we're not sure anymore.  Back to considering the original plan.  Part of it is absolutely that moving across country is completely daunting.  First off, we'd have to replace our vehicle.  It just wouldn't make the trip.  Second, buying property from several provinces away is enough to freak both of us out...yet if we wait til we get there, it'll mean trying to secure a rental, and be stuck in that for a year.  Yuck, yuck, yuck.  So, spending a lot of time in prayer, asking for guidance on that issue...and also that something happens soon to make it all possible.  Sooooo sick of being stuck in the city we're in.  We even considered moving to another rental, but its pretty insane here.  First of all, we'd end up paying at least as much as a mortgage, if not more.  There's no way to save $ on moving, everything we've seen is more than what we pay now.  I refuse to move and watch our rent go up by several hundred dollars.  So, we're basically stuck.

As much as there have been some changes, some up coming events, we're still in the same holding pattern we've been in for the last 3 yrs.  Blech.

On the good note, MIL isn't visiting this summer.  There's nobody willing to host her for six wks.  We can't.  Her sib in the province flat out won't.  So, we get a break.

Oh, and speaking of MIL...she threw a blue hissy fit over finding out we were expecting again.  We have no right to have another child, since we're already not living up to our responsibilities aka moving her in and taking care of her.  *sigh*  I'm back to avoiding contact with her, so as not to rip her face off over the phone.

My parents are due to land in the city in a few wks.  They'll be in town for a wk.  We'll see how that one goes.

Results of 3 Hr Testing

I haven't received the final outcome of the medical panel yet, but apparently should by next Friday.


BUT...I was told that they had to edit part of the report due to the results *finally* coming in this wk from the 3 hr torture test I went through back the beginning of April.

Got those today.

Long story short, this is the results of the testing:

"This is an abnormal study. There is evidence of abnormal responses on sudomotor (sweat), vasomotor (thermal) and sensory perception testing in the right upper limb. These findings support the diagnosis of Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (RSD)"

THANK YOU GOD!!!

I was so terrified, esp when I was told the report needed to be edited due to the test results. I *knew* that my response to the testing wasn't 'normal', but my big fear was that the results would be 'inconclusive' and they'd make me go through all of that Hell again.

I feel dizzy and nauseated, I'm so relieved.

Now, just praying that the MPO agrees with my Drs now that they have objective proof of the dx, and things will be so excellent.


Many thanks to those who have given prayers and support, and continue to do so.

Contemplation

Well, there's a lot going on Chez Stepford...or perhaps, too little, depending on how you look at it.

First, the medical panel.  Report was due to the head of the panel on Friday...so we haven't heard squat yet.  Hopefully that will change in the next 2 wks.

Even more hopefully, the medical panel will confirm what my Drs have been saying for almost 3 yrs now...which will mean an end in sight as far as Worker's Comp goes.

We're wanting, hoping, praying, needing to move.  Of course, we can't do diddly until we know whats going on with WCB.  But, in the meantime, we're still attempting to plan.

Which leads us to our 2nd bout of treading water, and "I don't know" situation.

Initially, we were planning to moving to my home province, back east across the country.  The weather is far, far better for me, my family is there for actual physical and emotional support, and we've found numerous places via real estate listings that would more than fit the bill for what we want and need. 

BUT...we don't know how long WCB is going to take, if winding up is in the cards...and moving across Canada in the winter is just a no go.

And...there's the MIL situation.  She's in her 80s, her health is failing.  Being so far from her (she lives on the west coast) means that we'd never be able to visit her.

So, we've been considering moving to the southern part of our province.  Warmer than where we are now, to be sure...not as warm as my home province.  Means ZERO support, as I'd be at least two hrs from my best friend here in the city.  I'd be more isolated than now.

And absolutely NONE of the houses we've seen online interest me in the slightest.  They all rate a 'meh'.  I *could* stand it, if I had to...but thats not exactly what I want for buying my first house.  Plus, we have zero intention of staying forever.  We'd still be looking to move east in the next 5 yrs...buying a house would simply be a better idea than continuing to pay rent.  Build credit, equity, and get out at the first chance.

Which makes me wonder, wth are we thinking?  Moving two hrs away really doesn't fix anything better than moving across country, with the sole exception of MIL.  I'd still need new Drs, involve a big move...To what actual benefit?  None, really...not for the family under my roof.

Well, that's not exactly true.  Wolf would breathe a bit easier, knowing he could be to his mother in less than a day's travel if need be.

MIL, however, has recently DEMANDED that we move near her, so she could 'move with us'.  Uh, no.  Moving in with us is not an option, period.

I'm so close to saying, "Heck with it, I'm NOT living anywhere on the basis of your mother, lets pack and go." that I could spit.  She could move if she wants, once we're settled.  Why should our lives pattern around her?!

Argh.

I want to do whats best for my family.  Praying for guidance, for direction, for solutions.

Feel free to cast a vote in the comment section!

In Tears...Pray For Me, Please

Just got a call from my case manager.  Amongst other things, they're looking at sending me to a city several hours away for 6-7 wks.  She's even suggested that I bring the kids with me.  I asked what I'd do with them while I was in program, and she mentioned Diva could babysit.  In the hotel.  I don't freaking believe this.

All of my Drs have been against this pain clinic.  Partly because of my home life, but also because this pain clinic takes you off all.your.meds.  I can't imagine how bad things will be or get if I'm completely med free...and this is from someone that resisted being on meds from the start.  Case mgr bluntly told me that she doesn't like ppl on the meds I'm on 'forever'.  Well, guess what?  There's no other freakin option.

I'm to go to an assessment here in the city at some point.  If they figure they can't help (and if they're honest, and not just out for the $$, they'll say they won't/can't...I've been through every aspect of their program already, in bits and pieces elsewhere...plus, at 2 yrs + after diagnosis, there's no recovery.  It is what it is, period.) If that's the case, case mgr is talking sending me away...because there's also a vocational aspect to that particular pain clinic.  I've no doubt that's the big issue here.

I've gone from her talking about leaving me alone for several years to her wanting to send me away AGAIN, something she even admits is NOT supported by ANY of my drs.  But Worker's Comp can do whatever the h*ll they please, because they OWN me.

I'm just praying that btwn my drs and my union, she backs the heck off.

About Generalizations

I just wanted to hit on a comment about generalizations. Just as much as there are folks in genuine need of food stamps, welfare, etc and not abusing, and those that do abuse, the same can be said for disability...and let me tell ya, its no picnic to be the one who truly NEEDS Workers Comp to ante up and pay right when you're truly disabled. I doubt its any different in the States than here in Canada from the horror stories I've read on other boards, and yet much of the same attitude prevails..."What do you mean you can't WORK?!" despite the fact I have three doctors saying that I'm unfit for any level of employment...its not my personal opinion of the situation, its their medical assessment. Add to it that chronic pain is an invisible disability, and it makes for loads of fun. Comments like, "You look perfectly ok to me!" make it even more so.

Yes, there will always be some jerk that is on the 6 pm news for painting a house when he's on disability for a supposed back injury, or others who know how to milk the system for all its worth and then some. Heck, I've witnessed people like that at the treatment centre I was forced to go to for several weeks of useless, albeit excruciatingly painful pt, who bragged about moonlighting at other jobs while using their WCB funds to pay the rent. Its jerks like those that cause the issues for people like me who need the system. Its jerks like those that people think of when they hear that I'm on Workers Comp.

I guess what I'm starting this thread for is an open thought or plea that if you happen to run into someone that is on Workers Comp, don't start listing a whole bunch of jobs for them to try. Its pretty frustrating to hear. I've worked with a vocational specialist. Its not that I don't want to work that keeps me from taking you up on 'my cousin Joe has a company, I know he could use a worker like you, lemme give you his phone number!' its that I genuinely, medically, am unfit for any employment. Please don't get offended when someone doesn't take you up on your offer of help. Its not that they prefer to be on WCB. Trust me. Unless you've run into the probably 6 or 7% of folks that are milking it, they'd rather be working.

Seperation of Blogs

Just so folks know, I'm seperating the CRPS/RSD, WCB issues into a new blog. You can find it in one of the side bars, titled, Chronic Pain and Me.

Updating...

Ok, so to update everyone on where I'm at...

I'm off work, again.

I gave my boss my Drs note, and she sent me home, saying that head office will have to sort it out. She agreed that I had been in visible pain on the Thursday, and I informed her that the Monday was worse.

I then received a letter from WCB, saying in part that pain isn't a consideration in their decision making about fitness for work, as there's no evidence or way to measure it.

WTF? Uh, they approved my claim of Complex Regional PAIN Syndrome. Wouldn't you think that PAIN would be a consideration?

Then I found this:
http://www.wcb.ab.ca/public/policy/manual/0301p2a7.asp

Its on their own website, a policy specifically to deal with 'chronic pain syndrome'. So how the heck does she think that pain isn't a consideration?

I've gotten my government rep involved, my union is involved, my Dr has both written a letter AND requested a call, I've written a letter, and my specialist wrote a letter, objecting to the work modifications...and dead silence from WCB.

I've done everything asked of me. I still may lose my benefits until an appeal is filed and heard, which can take 3-4 mths from the initial request.

Union isn't due to get my full file for another 4 wks or so.

So, I'm in limbo, waiting.

Updating On Insanity

Unfortunately, not the ha ha, The Stepford house is so funny kinda way.

Long story short: I'm back at work.

Yeah, I can hear you scream, 'WTF?' from here. Believe me when I say that its pretty much my reaction too.

I was discharged from the WCB program of PT, OT, ET after 4 wks. All goals were deemed, 'goal not met'...but somehow, I'm fit for work.

Yeah, I don't get it either.

So, I have major restrictions. Basically, not using my rt hand/arm. If I flat refuse to go, I lose benefits. So, in I go.

First day...lasted a grand total of 90 minutes. Was supposed to be there for 4 hrs. After an hour or so, the LPN came up to me, concerned, said I looked like I was in pain. Then an NA came by, said the same thing. Case manager came to find me to talk about my schedule, took one look at my face and recoiled. Asked if I was ok. Told her, 'I hurt. A lot.' She sent me home, told me not to come in the next day (Friday) but try again Monday. Went home in excruciating pain.

Monday. Went to the specialist for a nerve conduction test on the left arm. Nerves are ok, but he said that doesn't mean much. Agrees I'm having issues, figures its at LEAST something to do with over use. I pointed out that I'm back at work using the left exclusively. Asked, "In your professional opinion, should I be at work?" He said he'd be writing a letter with further suggestions as to my work capabilities. What that means, I dunno, but definately he's not agreeing with the situation as is. Don't know if he's actually telling them I can't work or what, I guess I'll find out later.

Trundle back into work. Last 2 hrs. Go home, turn around and go to the ER for pain meds, cause I truly could not deal. Get informed at the ER that they would treat me *this time* but that they couldn't be my pain management option. I explained that I've been resisting narcotics, but at this point I didn't care if they gave me a shot of Demerol, or just took me out back and shot me, just as long as the pain was tolerable. Got Demerol with a Gravol chaser.

Brings me to today. Saw my GP, he is still adamant that I cannot work. But, as he said, "I can't force WCB to keep paying you though." Talked to my union, same gig. Document everything, etc...but we can't promise that WCB won't cut you off.

At the advice of the union, I also sent in a letter to my case manager, detailing the last 2 attempts at work, and the results, asking for her assistance, esp considering that my pain doc is out of town, and the soonest appt I could get was for Mar 24.

So, now what? Good question. I'm supposed to work again tomorrow, according to WCB and my job. Not according to my GP. Union says, if Dr says no, you don't go...but it might mean no more $. Great choices there.

Pray that something positive happens ASAP. We can't afford to be without my income.

Officially On Hold

I got some news yesterday that I've been mulling over, trying to decide how I feel about it.

I was talking to our Family and Children's Services, about attending information night, their info pkg, etc. I asked if my injury/disability would prevent us from adopting/foster to adopt. (I was working as a nursing attendant, assaulted by a resident, and now have about 10-15% use of my dominant hand/arm and chronic pain). She asked, "Does it keep you from parenting the children you have now?" "No, of course not!" "Well then, why would it keep you from parenting an adopted child? It wouldn't have any bearing on your case."

So that was great news But...they have a rule that states that you must wait one year from a traumatic injury or illness...and this definately falls under that. Losing use of my dominant arm, and therefore my career, my future career (was planning to get my LPN) would most certainly mean 'traumatic'. So, we cannot proceed until at least June of 09. In some ways, that was really upsetting, then the more I thought about it, the more I was able to see some positive in it. I'd been feeling weighed down with guilt over our hesitation to start the process. My husband wants to wait until we have a larger home, and things are more settled with Workers Compensation. I was of the mindset that there's never a 'perfect' time, and either we'd get approved as we are, or we wouldn't, but at least we'd know, and there was a strong likelihood that we would be approved, so why wait?

So, now the pressure is off in that sense. Dh and I have been talking more about adoption, and leaning towards a younger child than the one we'd initially seen in the photo listing site. We can use this time to work on our mental 'to do' lists, and increase our confidence in ourselves, and ability to meet what ever standards and tests may be involved with the adoption process, and have time for the compensation issue to be sorted out.

So, its bittersweet, but I'm viewing it as a gift of time, as opposed to a negative, or closed door. I'd still rather 'go go go get it done!' because that's my personality, but I guess this is another chance to learn paitence. Paitence is definately NOT one of my many virtues!

Depressed

Its been a heck of a weekend. Started Friday.

Diva had an art class at the Gallery. It was a challenge for me, managing both the littles downtown, esp attempting to push a stroller. By the time her class was done, I was in a lot of pain, and grateful to be on the bus home.
Princess started to cry, loudly. Bus driver turned around and snapped, "That's enough, I don't put up with that on my bus!" I get her quieted, and all is good, right?
Wrong.
Princess does this...'singing'. That's what she's attempting to do, I don't know how it sounds to someone that doesn't know her...but its a happy sound...and 'ahhhh'...but she is loud for a bus. I'm trying to whisper to her, distract her, every trick I know to get her to use her inside voice. It works for a bit, and then she starts her singing again. The bus driver pulls over, and demands that I "do something about her!" I explained, "She's only two." "I don't care. Pick her up!"
I can feel the heat crawling up my face, and my eyes fill with tears as I'm forced to admit to a bus driver, and passengers, that I'm physically unable to pick up my toddler from her stroller. "I can't, I only have one working arm."
"Only one working arm?! Are you serious?!" he asked, like I was trying to scam him. At this point, I'm ready to burst into tears. I've just had to publicly announce that I'm freaking disabled, and he's treating me like I'm making it up. He then tells me, "Well, pay attention to her or something, but that's enough of that!"
We got off the bus as soon as we could. Princess passed out about 10 mins after he had pulled over. She wasn't screaming, she wasn't crying, she wasn't throwing a tantrum...she was singing, "Ahhhhh...ahhhhhh..."
And I was in freaking tears. Overreacted? Yeah, probably. But felt totally humiliated and useless and physically hurt a lot. I did email a complaint to ETS, so its under investigation.

Then, today...Jack the Cat escaped this am. Hasn't been seen since. And then discovered that WCB wanting me to go out of town for an independant medical assessment means that I'm going to miss trick or treating with my kids, since I won't get home on the bus til 630 or so...and then have to bus it from downtown.

Don't even get me started on my fears regarding travelling alone by Greyhound.

I want some control over my life back.

Aimless

I feel like a dandelion seed, tumbling wherever the wind sends me, without any hope of guidance or control over my path or destination.

Everything in my life hinges on decisions made for me, about me, by others who don't have the first foggiest clue as to who I am as a person, but just a case file. I feel like my humanity, my life is being reduced to pieces of paper, statistics, and what someone else thinks should be happening, working, whatever.

It looks like PT is rapidly coming to an end. No improvements = waste of time and resources. My fear is, how much WORSE is it going to get without PT? Is PT stopping it from getting completely out of control? Or is it simply a placebo? According to the research my PT gave me last night, there is absolutely no rhyme or reason for recovery...or non recovery. No time line. Either you recover, or you don't. Yay. I seem to be fitting in the 'don't' category.

So, I have an appt for a pain clinic on the 8th. Consultation. See what if anything they suggest, because my migraines are increasing in frequency and intensity...and that's got to be somehow related to this CRPS. Lack of sleep, stress of chronic pain, whatever.

Its all completely frustrating.