I don't have a better title for this blog entry. I'll apologize in advance to those who come here looking for a light hearted view of things. They exist, honest...just not posted. That alone tells me that my view of things is/has become skewed, and needs to be adjusted.
Some days, its just so hard. Insomnia has struck again, leaving me vulnerable emotionally.
I spent most of last night sobbing. Pain was rampant, both physically and emotionally. I'm in my 30s, and all I can see stretching out before me is pain. Pain, pain, and more pain. The only 'break' I get is when I manage to sleep, but that's fleeting, broken, and can't be counted on. There's absolutely no rhyme or reason for sleep, or not sleeping. I do the same things, and never know if I'll sleep.
I'm not the woman, wife, or mother that I want to be. I fall so short on what I demand of myself. Everything in my life is dependant upon pain levels, and I loathe it. I want to be able to live, without the uncertainty that RSD brings. I want to turn back time and not ever have gone into that resident's room that grabbed me and started all of this. I wonder, in the darkest recesses of my heart what I did wrong. What I'm being punished for.
There have been times that I've considered leaving my family. Not suicide, just leaving. Clearing out so that a healthy, whole woman can fill the spot of wife and mother. But I don't. I don't because I believe that would damage my children more than having a lesser mother in their lives. I may not be whole and able, but I think that leaving would tell them that they weren't worth staying for. And not for the world would I ever want to wound my babies that way.
That's what I tell myself...But sometimes I wonder if its my selfishness talking. That I need them more than they need me. Because I do need them. They're my reasons why. Why I do anything, everything. Its for them that I put one foot in front of the other.
They don't see me cry. Nor does Wolf. He *knows* I hurt of course, as do the children...but none of them know how badly. I need to protect them as best I can. I believe that if they knew, it would scare them terribly to see Mommy fall apart.
So I do my crying in the wee hours of the morning, when insomnia reigns supreme, leaving me defenceless. I acknowledge the dark thoughts that I bury so deep. I suppose I wallow for a bit might be the best and most honest way to put it. Then I wipe my face, blow my nose, and face the coming day.
Its just so hard sometimes. Wondering what damage I might be doing to my babies. Wondering if I'm doing the right thing for them. Wondering how much is really for them, and how much is my selfishness shining through.
I pray that I'm doing what's right for them. I don't know what else I can do.
As I mentioned on the previous entry, insomnia has been an issue for me this week.
Wednesday eve it continued. I was 72 hrs and counting with less than two hours of sleep.
When Wolf woke up Thursday am and discovered me sleeping, he called in to work and took the day off. I have no real memories of yesterday. Fragmented bits and pieces, nothing really solid. I woke up at 9pm, found Wolf snoozing in the recliner in the living room, and shoo'ed him off to bed. Next thing I know, he's waking *me* up on the couch announcing its 5am.
Its a completely bizarre thing, to lose an entire day. But what an incredible difference it is to actually feel *rested* for a change! I thought I'd been doing well, keeping it together. Now that I'm rested, I wonder how on Earth I stayed standing!
Monday night, I slept not at all. I made it through until after supper, then loaded up on my meds and headed off to bed around 6 pm.
By 830, I was still awake. Took some melatonin.
930, still awake.
I was still awake when Wolf got up to get ready for work. I managed to fall asleep after that, so got a grand total of 90 minutes of sleep.
Its so frustrating. I feel like crying. I take all the meds I'm supposed to to get to sleep. Sometimes they work, other times, nada. I need to get some regular sleep.
Its a vicious cycle. I can't sleep, so my pain levels go up. Because my pain levels are up, I can't sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat.
It takes everything I am to keep on my feet, keep moving. Sitting on the couch, trying to read a book, the type begins to blur, and I start to nod off. My kids need me, so that's not acceptable at all. We have school to do, Diva needs math tests marked, I have history to read aloud to all of them...In short, far too much to do for Mommy to pass out on the couch.
I realize it opens the door for ppl to start banging on the 'Send Them To School' drum, but that's not an option. RSD has stolen so much from me that I won't allow it to negatively impact my children's education.
Wolf continues to be amazed/frustrated/worried about my not sleeping. He can't understand how I can "take enough meds to drop a horse" yet still not sleep. Its ridiculous to the nth degree.
My GP just raised the dose of one med a few wks ago, told me he wanted me to try it for a month before we make any changes. I see him on Friday, and I'm going to be telling him that I can't afford to wait a month. This need to be changed now. Its hit or miss with the meds. The first week or so I took them, they worked beautifully. Fast forward to now, and they're as effective as a Tic Tac.
Quiet time is just 5 hrs away. I can make it til then. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
I know I must. Housework can go fly a kite today, but homeschooling...that's not optional for me. It must happen.
I have an hour to gather my wits, to call on what paitence I may have in reserve, and be ready to educate my kids.
I will do this.
Although, I do admit, I can't remember the last time that I was running on 90 minutes sleep in 2 days. Not saying it hasn't happened, just that I can't remember it...Which is likely just as well.
Just got back from taking the kids to the mall. Needed a few groceries, and hit the day olds.
After shopping, I took them to McDs for a treat.
The guy serving me kept looking at me oddly.
Later, he brought over a chocolate milk I'd forgotten. I walked over to meet him, and he said, "You are a very s$xy woman."
I just sort of stared at him, and finally mumbled, "Thank you."
I'm a mom. Short, pudgy. Wearing an old shapeless sweater and fleecy jog pants. Not to mention the whole RSD bit.
I didn't (and still don't) know if I should be flattered or creeped out. He just had this weird sort of intensity to him. I hurried the kids along with their snack and left post haste.
I haven't had a total stranger pay me a compliment in...decades? Probably. And certainly not that boldly, ever.
Maybe I just need Wolf to get better with his compliments, or threaten to run away with the McDs guy.
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